Tis the Season!!

Hey Everyone!

Well its official, i am OBSESSED with the Christmas Season! I love walking into my home with all our Christmas lights on, a Fire burning, and spending the time with my two favorite men! Every night since Thanksgiving, Andy, Michael and I try to watch a Christmas movie together, And so far we have done pretty well! We also decided that if Andy had a chance to be Santa Clause and to move us to the North Pole we would in a heartbeat!!! Just imagine that life!! Anyways we came up with that idea after watching Tim Allen's " Santa Clause" lol. Go figure!

Another good reason for our happy mood is that this month there are NO SCHEDULED hospital visits. Last month was rough on us and we just need the break. Mikee had to be flown to Seattle Childrens Hospital on the 8th of November and we were there for 10 days due to an unexpected hospitalization. His seizures were way out of hand and it was now effecting his heart rate and oxygen. He had numerous testing that included EEG's, MRI's, EKG's, a swallow study, a Spinal Tap, and Genetics... He also had to have a NG feeding tube placed in him because he lost over 5% of his body weight. Once his seizures were able to be better controlled and his Oxygen levels back to normal they released us back home JUST for the holidays. We have to go back the 1st of January. We still have Zero Diagnoses but we honestly have the best team working on him trying to figure things out!

Since we have been home though, Andy and I are making sure that this month is "magical" for Mikee. We are doing as much as we can with him. Baking cookies, seeing Santa, having random dance parties, decorating the house. Basically just spending as much time possible together. I really feel his happiness in all of this and it just makes my heart burst. Even on the "bad days" he has a huge smile on his face pushing through the obstacles!

I hope this season is magical for everyone. I honestly feel like this is going to be the best one yet and im very thankful to God for all of it, because i know it his hand guiding it all!

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Hospitals

So this past Friday Mikee was admitted into the hospital because his seizures were uncontrollable and left his whole left side paralyzed for 3 days. We went through the normal procedures...Go to the ER, give him the shot to help control seizures (which never really works), watch Elmo in grouch land (every time we are there) wait for a few hours for the doctor to come in and tell us that they have consulted his normal doctors in Seattle children's and they both came up with the conclusion that they have no clue on whats going on with mikee, that the seizures are more sever but the tests are all coming up normal.So they want to admitted him for a night to monitor. Mikee seizes alittle more. Screams because he is a 3 year old who is trapped to a bed with wires and an IV and doesn't understand while he can play.Then we go to bed and wait for the doctor to come back in the morning to tell us nothing has changed, that there isn't much they can do for mikee, that the doctor in Seattle is now passing on Mikees case to yet ANOTHER doctor, and that we can either stay in the hospital for another night or bring mikee home. We decided to bring him home so we can monitor him and so he can be comfy. Fun way to spend your weekend, No? What i don't understand is how can we be apart for 2 amazing hospitals, and have 25 doctors working with him, and not one of them can figure this thing out....I'm sick of hearing that mikees condition is a rare one, that its a Mystery... not the most comforting thing for a mother to hear. I know that God is in control, I understand that, but i would love for him to clue me in on a few things, that would be nice!

Update

So this past year i have been HORRIBLE on keeping this thing updated, i feel like it has flown by and I'm just running to keep up. Anywho, here is a few updates that is going on with our life:

Mike started school this week and LOVES everything about it. At the moment he is the only child in the afternoon class but at the end of September he will be getting a few more classmates.. Since it is a special needs Preschool they are making sure there is only a few kids in the class. But Mikee doesn't seem to care, he loves all the one on one attention, he is a HAM!

This month i lost two of my grandparents, My grandpa on my mom's side and then my grandma on my dads...all in the same week. Kinda rough! I ended up having to go down to Oregon to help my parents with the planning and just to be there for them. I was there with Mikee for two weeks and we shared an air mattress...Lets just say I'm not looking forward to sharing a bed with him anytime soon...he actually shoved me off the bed a few times....

Mikee is now three! we celebrated his birthday on the river at my parents place! We even took him out on the tube (With a life vest, Andy and I, and we were going about one mile per hour) but we were going so slow we were just sinking. He thought it was hilarious though and couldn't stop laughing when Andy and I alone went on the tube...there was ALOT of shrieking going on, and not just from me lol

Still not pregnant...i go back and forth if i think its time or not. We are not trying but i know that we want another kid soon...i just don't know when. I don't know if i could handle another miscarriage.

Andy got a Promotion at his new job! He seems really happy there! who wouldn't love to work in a bookstore?!

Mikee is still full of seizures......nothing much has changed on that front except for they are getting more sever......Still a happy camper though. Right now as i type he is posing in his mirror with his helmet cracking himself up!

Oh i woke up this morning to a bare naked child playing with his toys and peeing on the floor...fun....

And last but not least! I WANT IT TO BE TRUE FALL WEATHER!!! no more of the 80's stuff, i want it to be cold, i want my cute sweaters and my pumpkin spice! And to decorate my house:)

Alrighty, i will try to be better at this stuff! Have a great day

Ansty

Soo Im getting kinda Restless today... Michael had a rough morning, okay day, and he is wired for night time...which scares me because he was UP ALL NIGHT last night. I think he is having nightmares or something because he wakes up frantic, crying for "momma" and then passes out in like 5 minutes! It kinda breaks my heart because he looks so scared!!!!!!!!! I almost resorted to sleeping in a sleeping bag on his floor but the child ALSO talks in his sleep (mostly yelling out loud "HI") and no sleep for me makes on cranky mom!

Anyways, i was watching the Country Music awards today (DVR) and i decided that it is my goal in life to attend one show! Im a big country fan people. I think i would have a heart attack if i went. Also it was held at the MGM Hotel in Vegas and i have so been there...I hardly go anywhere so i get excited when i see places on tv where i have actually been! By the way, Lady A...love that group!

So this weekend i was trained as a Batista for our church....3 hours later i was put in charged. I love coffee and now i can make my own..coolio!

I decided today that i am going to at least go on a walk 3 times a week...i dont care where, i dont care if mikee is with me, i just want to go on a walk, which hopefully will turn into a run later on.I want to loose weight!!! Oh and im doing bloomsday this year...anyone want to walk it with me?


Well that is the rambling of my life....here are some pictures to make up for my nonsense!

My turn

Okay, So the past month i have been getting some comments from people that kinda hurt. I usually tell them what i think when it happens but with me being kinda emotional i have tried to bite my tong and walk away...with that said i do have some things i kinda want to clear up...

Number one, I AM A CHRISTIAN...contrary to some beliefs i HAVE asked the Lord into my heart. I do know that he is My Father, My Creator...some people have it in their mind that if you believe in God you are not able to get angry at him, and if you believe that, more power to you...I'm not here to tell you how to live your Christan walk..But for me i believe that is okay for me to be angry...to have questions...I will never be fake in my prayers to him...if i want to yell, I'm going to yell...same with crying. I know that God understands, and i know that he cares. There would be something wrong with me if i didn't feel that way at this time in my life....I'm angry that my baby girl died, that my husband lost his job, and my son is still suffering. I know that God has his master plan in this and i cant turn my back on him...but knowing that still doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt and I'm not allowed to have a real relationship with God...I have NEVER once said i don't believe in him....so to those who say I'm not grieving the Christian way, i thank you for your concern but i disagree. I don't judge you, so please don't place judgment on me.

Second, I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS STRUGGLING! seriously people, I'm not blind. But that doesn't mean I'm NOT ALLOWED to feel this way. One thing i cant stand is when people who haven't been through anything like this come to me saying that their life is perfect and how if i have their attitude mine could be too...I DON'T WANT PERFECT...i just want my family to have some breathing room from constantly struggling with medical issues. Once again i know you are trying to help....but please think about what your going to say before you say it...sometimes its best not saying anything, i would still know that you care.

And at last, I am thankful for what i do have! I do have an amazing husband who has been my rock throughout all of this. Who has held my hand, who has been my best friend, whose love has carried me through all of this. I have a son who never fails to make me smile. Who teaches me that EVERYDAY i have with him is a gift! My Parents who if i call asking, they would drop everything that second to come to my rescue! Thankful for having a job that can let me have the time off i need when there is medical issues and to help pay the bills here. And not least, For a God who DOES love me, Who DOES understand how i feels, And who forgives me for when i question his ways at times, even though i know he will always lead my family the right way.

Welp i think that's it...This is what i believe and this is how i feel. If you don't agree that is your right, Just like this is my right to stand up for myself.

Our baby Girl

So yesterday we found out that the baby we were going to have was a girl...We decided to name her Rose Marie...my rose.

Sleep...

Or should i say Lack of Sleep....I'm not joking, i haven't slept since last Wednesday! and if i do, its only an hour or two a day. I'm getting to be a tad on the cranky side! I tried reading before i go to bed....doesn't work because i end up finishing EVERY book. I tried listening to my Ipod...i cant sleep with those things in my ears. I can't take anything to help me sleep because it messes with my pain killers....so basically no sleep! The only thing that calms me down is Nora Jones but try to talk your husband into listening to a jazz singer while he sleeps...seriously, try! because they will laugh at you!

lost

hey everyone,

This is going to be a hard one for me to write but i know alot of people are wondering whats going on. I'm going to keep it short because im bawling and have been for awhile now and i honestly dont want to go into details....Andy and i ended up losing the baby yesterday morning....Wednesday we found out that the baby's heartbeat dropped down to 60 (which is low) and were told to prepare to loose the baby...then Friday morning we went in to check and sure enough the baby passed away...then i ended up in emergency surgery last night..Andy and i are completely heartbroken...all the the emotions that one feels when losing a child is new to us and is hitting us hard. we appreciate all of those who have called and left messages. we really do, but at this time we are just needed to grieve in private. But please know that we appreciate the love and the concern and we wont lock ourselves in forever. The pain is fresh and right now all i can do is just bawl..which is something i like to do alone...I know i need to be strong for our son and my parents are up here helping until i can get myself calmed..this has just been a very hard week on us. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers and we will keep u posted on us.

ANGRY

i dont get it...i just dont get it...im so sick and tired of my family having to go through heartbreak after heartbreak. IM TIRED OF IT...how many times can my heart break. How many times do we have to get bad news. How many times do i have to say "Im fine" and fake a smile...im done. Can't do it anymore....IM DONE!

5 Reasons Why Im Authentic

Beth Tagged me to do this little diddy about listing 5 reasons why Im an Authentic Mom...So here i go!

1). I HAVE THE C SECTION AND STRETCH MARKS TO PROVE IT...or what i like to call them...my battle scars!

2). Every time my son looks at me and smiles my heart just melts and i just want to hug him and never let goes....until its time to change a diaper...

3). If i dont have to go anywhere for the day i declare it Pajama Day. I do all my chores and and lounging around in sweats, T-shirt, and a pony tail!

4). There is just those days where the child pushes the button and i need a breather! I think being able to step aside from the situation until im calmed down helps me to handle whats going on...aka...mikee taking off his diaper and having target practice with the baby gate!

5). The Bags under my eyes...This is for the new baby...i get back AND side Paine's that really dont allow me to sleep that well...then i have to get up and use the bathroom every few hours...i guess this is the baby helping me get used to this schedule once he/she comes into this world!

With these 5 reasons, i would also add that i LOVE being mikee's mom, i wouldn't trade places with anyone. He is a blessing that has touched my heart forever and i know once this baby comes my heart will only grow!

Normal to Me

I have a wonderful, beautiful, little man for a son but we are now noticing a problem...sharing! He is fine with sharing his toys, his food, but when it comes to his momma you can forget it! Yes it makes me feel loved and all but when your son gets upset because a dog sat on his moms lap, what is he going to do when im holding a new born? Just one of my fears i guess. I know he is going to be the best big brother, that i don't doubt at all,I just know he is going to have a hard time transitioning, because lets be frank, it has been Mikee's world for the past few years and we are all just living in it!!

So far the pregnancy is going okay. im getting sicker now and im having more growing pains then i did with mikee, AND im constantly tired...but im so happy at the same time! Knowing that i get to hold another new born in my arms, and knowing that God blessed my family with another child of his puts a huge smile across my face! We have been getting mixed reviews by people who we told...some has been good but most has been...well...kinda angry at us. They don't understand why we would want to have another child because of mikee's special needs. That its selfish. One person even said that we were too poor to have two children. Yes i get angry at these responses but i also let them know our side....My son IS NORMAL...he might not be able to walk on his own, or talk that well...but he smiles, he laughs, he gets around his own way, he communicates by signing...and most importantly, He loves! God made him they way he is, and that is pretty perfect in my eyes. We have done testing beyond testing with Genetics and all of them have come back negative. No, we arnt rich by any means, but we have a roof over our head,food on the table, We both have jobs, and a God that provides. Yes i am scared that the same thing may happen again, but im also at peace knowing that we are going to be more then fine! Mikee is going to be great,and this new baby is going to have everything he or she needs and more love then he or she knows what to do with. So basically once i tell them that, they kinda don't want to talk to me anymore lol but oh well Cant win everyone over!