My turn

Okay, So the past month i have been getting some comments from people that kinda hurt. I usually tell them what i think when it happens but with me being kinda emotional i have tried to bite my tong and walk away...with that said i do have some things i kinda want to clear up...

Number one, I AM A CHRISTIAN...contrary to some beliefs i HAVE asked the Lord into my heart. I do know that he is My Father, My Creator...some people have it in their mind that if you believe in God you are not able to get angry at him, and if you believe that, more power to you...I'm not here to tell you how to live your Christan walk..But for me i believe that is okay for me to be angry...to have questions...I will never be fake in my prayers to him...if i want to yell, I'm going to yell...same with crying. I know that God understands, and i know that he cares. There would be something wrong with me if i didn't feel that way at this time in my life....I'm angry that my baby girl died, that my husband lost his job, and my son is still suffering. I know that God has his master plan in this and i cant turn my back on him...but knowing that still doesn't mean I'm not allowed to hurt and I'm not allowed to have a real relationship with God...I have NEVER once said i don't believe in him....so to those who say I'm not grieving the Christian way, i thank you for your concern but i disagree. I don't judge you, so please don't place judgment on me.

Second, I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS STRUGGLING! seriously people, I'm not blind. But that doesn't mean I'm NOT ALLOWED to feel this way. One thing i cant stand is when people who haven't been through anything like this come to me saying that their life is perfect and how if i have their attitude mine could be too...I DON'T WANT PERFECT...i just want my family to have some breathing room from constantly struggling with medical issues. Once again i know you are trying to help....but please think about what your going to say before you say it...sometimes its best not saying anything, i would still know that you care.

And at last, I am thankful for what i do have! I do have an amazing husband who has been my rock throughout all of this. Who has held my hand, who has been my best friend, whose love has carried me through all of this. I have a son who never fails to make me smile. Who teaches me that EVERYDAY i have with him is a gift! My Parents who if i call asking, they would drop everything that second to come to my rescue! Thankful for having a job that can let me have the time off i need when there is medical issues and to help pay the bills here. And not least, For a God who DOES love me, Who DOES understand how i feels, And who forgives me for when i question his ways at times, even though i know he will always lead my family the right way.

Welp i think that's it...This is what i believe and this is how i feel. If you don't agree that is your right, Just like this is my right to stand up for myself.

Our baby Girl

So yesterday we found out that the baby we were going to have was a girl...We decided to name her Rose Marie...my rose.

Sleep...

Or should i say Lack of Sleep....I'm not joking, i haven't slept since last Wednesday! and if i do, its only an hour or two a day. I'm getting to be a tad on the cranky side! I tried reading before i go to bed....doesn't work because i end up finishing EVERY book. I tried listening to my Ipod...i cant sleep with those things in my ears. I can't take anything to help me sleep because it messes with my pain killers....so basically no sleep! The only thing that calms me down is Nora Jones but try to talk your husband into listening to a jazz singer while he sleeps...seriously, try! because they will laugh at you!

lost

hey everyone,

This is going to be a hard one for me to write but i know alot of people are wondering whats going on. I'm going to keep it short because im bawling and have been for awhile now and i honestly dont want to go into details....Andy and i ended up losing the baby yesterday morning....Wednesday we found out that the baby's heartbeat dropped down to 60 (which is low) and were told to prepare to loose the baby...then Friday morning we went in to check and sure enough the baby passed away...then i ended up in emergency surgery last night..Andy and i are completely heartbroken...all the the emotions that one feels when losing a child is new to us and is hitting us hard. we appreciate all of those who have called and left messages. we really do, but at this time we are just needed to grieve in private. But please know that we appreciate the love and the concern and we wont lock ourselves in forever. The pain is fresh and right now all i can do is just bawl..which is something i like to do alone...I know i need to be strong for our son and my parents are up here helping until i can get myself calmed..this has just been a very hard week on us. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers and we will keep u posted on us.

ANGRY

i dont get it...i just dont get it...im so sick and tired of my family having to go through heartbreak after heartbreak. IM TIRED OF IT...how many times can my heart break. How many times do we have to get bad news. How many times do i have to say "Im fine" and fake a smile...im done. Can't do it anymore....IM DONE!

5 Reasons Why Im Authentic

Beth Tagged me to do this little diddy about listing 5 reasons why Im an Authentic Mom...So here i go!

1). I HAVE THE C SECTION AND STRETCH MARKS TO PROVE IT...or what i like to call them...my battle scars!

2). Every time my son looks at me and smiles my heart just melts and i just want to hug him and never let goes....until its time to change a diaper...

3). If i dont have to go anywhere for the day i declare it Pajama Day. I do all my chores and and lounging around in sweats, T-shirt, and a pony tail!

4). There is just those days where the child pushes the button and i need a breather! I think being able to step aside from the situation until im calmed down helps me to handle whats going on...aka...mikee taking off his diaper and having target practice with the baby gate!

5). The Bags under my eyes...This is for the new baby...i get back AND side Paine's that really dont allow me to sleep that well...then i have to get up and use the bathroom every few hours...i guess this is the baby helping me get used to this schedule once he/she comes into this world!

With these 5 reasons, i would also add that i LOVE being mikee's mom, i wouldn't trade places with anyone. He is a blessing that has touched my heart forever and i know once this baby comes my heart will only grow!

Normal to Me

I have a wonderful, beautiful, little man for a son but we are now noticing a problem...sharing! He is fine with sharing his toys, his food, but when it comes to his momma you can forget it! Yes it makes me feel loved and all but when your son gets upset because a dog sat on his moms lap, what is he going to do when im holding a new born? Just one of my fears i guess. I know he is going to be the best big brother, that i don't doubt at all,I just know he is going to have a hard time transitioning, because lets be frank, it has been Mikee's world for the past few years and we are all just living in it!!

So far the pregnancy is going okay. im getting sicker now and im having more growing pains then i did with mikee, AND im constantly tired...but im so happy at the same time! Knowing that i get to hold another new born in my arms, and knowing that God blessed my family with another child of his puts a huge smile across my face! We have been getting mixed reviews by people who we told...some has been good but most has been...well...kinda angry at us. They don't understand why we would want to have another child because of mikee's special needs. That its selfish. One person even said that we were too poor to have two children. Yes i get angry at these responses but i also let them know our side....My son IS NORMAL...he might not be able to walk on his own, or talk that well...but he smiles, he laughs, he gets around his own way, he communicates by signing...and most importantly, He loves! God made him they way he is, and that is pretty perfect in my eyes. We have done testing beyond testing with Genetics and all of them have come back negative. No, we arnt rich by any means, but we have a roof over our head,food on the table, We both have jobs, and a God that provides. Yes i am scared that the same thing may happen again, but im also at peace knowing that we are going to be more then fine! Mikee is going to be great,and this new baby is going to have everything he or she needs and more love then he or she knows what to do with. So basically once i tell them that, they kinda don't want to talk to me anymore lol but oh well Cant win everyone over!